Comments by Ellen Cole*

Bob Buchicchio (Boo-kiki-o) has written a phenomenal, ground-breaking book.  It is about “hitting the pause button” in a relationship, when the relationship is in crisis, before the divorce lawyers are called in.  It’s about intentional separations, emotional and/or physical.  You might call it a divorce prevention manual.  Bob offers a ten-step program (he calls it a “map”) for troubled couples to follow, with lots of case examples and exercises.   Although written for the couples themselves, I intend to recommend it to my graduate students and to my colleagues who will glean many practical tips from the author, clearly a seasoned and profoundly gifted couples’ counselor.

Bob Buchicchio acknowledges that some marriages cannot be sustained.  In these cases the book lends a hand in taking the process of permanent separation slowly and gracefully.  

I happen to think there is also a much wider audience for this book—that of couples who want to enhance their already perfectly good relationship.  They may or may not be considering a separation (there probably comes a time in every relationship when a couple would do best to focus, perhaps even briefly, on personal development rather than the dyad).  Even if now is not the time for a couple to consider “personal space,” there are so many excellent suggestions in this book for conflict management and communication that I think any couple, at any time in their relationship, could benefit from reading it. 

When my husband and I had been married for ten years, I had the opportunity to become a Visiting Professor at Yale.  It meant my living 400 miles from home for nine months.  Now, 20 years later, we look back on that time as a wonderful experience in which we both grew as separate people.  Ultimately, our relationship was strengthened, as well.  I didn’t realize until after I read Bob Buchicchio’s book that what we did just because we had the chance was actually good for our relationship and could be for others.    

 “Must read” is a cliché that actually applies here.  This book is a must read for couples in crisis and the psychotherapists who treat them.  It is a must read for couples who want to enhance a relation that is already going well.  It is a must read for those who are contemplating a temporary or permanent separation.  It’s the book my husband and I would have read 20 years ago had it been available.

* Ellen Cole, Ph.D., is a psychologist and sex therapist who has worked with couples for 30 years.  She is Professor of Psychology at Alaska Pacific University in Anchorage, where she directs the Master of Science Program in Counseling Psychology.  She is currently the president of the Alaska Psychological Association.  Her most recent book (co-edited with Dr. Jessica Henderson Daniel) is Featuring Females: Feminist Analyses of Media, published in 2005 by the American Psychological Association.   

The Book