Taking Space - How to Use Separation to Explore the Future of Your Relationship

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For over 38 years, Bob Buchicchio has been working with couples as a marriage and divorce counselor. In his practice Bob sees an increasing number of individuals and couples who do not necessarily want to divorce. Around 1990 Bob began developing specific tools couples could use to manage both short- and long-term separations. Viewing temporary separations as a natural and viable option for many couples, he designed Separation Management, a 10 step problem-solving approach based on partners' levels of investment and commitment to their relationship. This approach included a structured process to help them make appropriate decisions that respected the needs of both partners as well as the children. With these tools, many of his clients have been able to successfully negotiate a "break" and then return to the marriage with a renewed commitment to it. The tools have proven useful to couples that decide to separate permanently. Using Separation Management, these couples are able to part more amicably and minimize the stresses on their children. Read more

Couples Home Study Course continued...

Periods of separation often come during those predictable stages over the life of a relationship. Some of these include:

After the romance and attraction of your relationship has faded it is a myth that, "Once I fall in love, feelings will always stay the same".

When the stress of your new baby creates sleepless nights and exhausting days and puts great strain on your relationship.

When work stress and the fast pace of raising your children and family life makes the intimacy in your relationship drop.

When your relationship has lost its spark and sex has become scarce, routine, and unfulfilling and feels more like living with a roommate.

During mid-life crises when you might question where your life is going and whether it is following those expectations that you thought it would.

Empty nest time when children leave and at least one of you has expectations that are not being met.

When your retirement becomes a disappointment because you are not on the same page as your partner and you feel differently than you thought you would.

Perhaps you may have taken a bold action and have already separated in the hopes of re-kindling your feelings. Some of you may have started to develop feelings for another or are engaged in an affair or other relationship. Perhaps this has been discovered and your relationship is now in crisis.

During a bleak and depressing time you may have told your partner that you don't love him or her any more or have said mean and hurtful things you believe will never be forgotten You may be confused and are questioning the difference between loving and being "in love" with your partner.

Your conflict and fights may be out of control and continually eat up the little love or like you have left for one another. Perhaps there is little communication and suppressed conflict while an "ice wall" and emotional distance has developed between you and your partner.

You might be depressed and lonely because you know your relationship has not been working and you feel like you are slowly dying. You may be terrified that you have committed to a life sentence of unhappiness. It has been documented that a stressful and unhappy relationship is not only damaging to children, but to your physical and emotional health as well.

"What if my partner is resistant to couples counseling?"

Many of you in these situations believe you have nowhere to turn. One or both of you may be fearful or resistant of going to relationship counseling because:

maybe your feelings have changed and you're not sure you want to work on your relationship
you may need time and space to think about what you really want
or you don't want to hear there is no hope and the next step is the divorce lawyer
or you don't want to hear that it's all your fault
or you are fearful of telling your partner how you really feel
or you don't want to hear the truth about what your partner really feels...

Why I wrote the book on separations

As a young counselor I used to turn away couples where only one partner wanted to be in counseling because I had no model or way to work with them. Many were not ready to work on their relationships while others weren't prepared for that major life change – divorce or breaking up! I have since realized that in not working with this type of couple, both they and I missed a major opportunity to grow and develop.

That is why I created Separation Management and wrote the book on separations - Taking Space – How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship. My 10 step problem solving guide provides a starting place and a road map for you and your relationship when you are stuck, lost, feeling helpless, hopeless, and believe the only answer is divorce or breaking up!

If you are reading this and any of the above situations sound all too familiar and if you are looking for guidance in sorting out your life and relationship, keep reading!

Here are the most important questions you should ask before divorcing or breaking up.

Have you and your partner grown apart? Are you no longer compatible? Or is this one of those predictable, necessary, and temporary times when there is a lull and distance, or an all out war and conflict between you and your partner that many couples go through? Perhaps with information, understanding and some work you will improve your relationship beyond what you thought was possible! Your relationship and family are too important to make such a hasty ill informed decision.

Most opportunities and changes in relationships and life are preceded by a crisis, a problem or very stressful period of time. I have found through my work with individuals and couples that it is often when things feel the most hopeless and bleak that most change is possible. This can actually be a window of opportunity where learning and life changes take place. Don't miss it!!!

I challenge you to take the time to learn more about you and your relationship before you act!

Jim and Sara's Relationship Journey

Jim and Sara were in their 40's and had been together for over 20 years. They have two teenage children. Jim had become increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship since he felt he had so little influence with Sara. He felt that his lifestyle values were not heard or respected. He liked a simple life and he believed that Sara preferred a more busy and materialistic lifestyle. Whenever Sara wanted to improve their home or make purchases, he felt his input was either ignored or overridden. This included his feelings about how their two teenagers were being raised. He wanted them to have an appreciation for the value of money. Jim and Sara had great difficulty discussing their differences. Attempted talks broke down with Jim becoming angry and threatening divorce. Finally after many attempts to talk broke down, Jim decided he wanted space. He eventually moved out (trial physical separation). Jim and Sara set up a schedule for sharing their two teenagers. One of the children had difficulty with the separation and began to have more conflicts with her father. As Jim and Sara struggled with the many issues of living in two households, they began to feel discouraged about reconciliation. Both contacted attorneys and looked into how to start an amicable divorce.

The couple entered counseling several months after their separation to focus on their co-parenting problems. The counselor felt that Jim and Sara had never really developed the skills to work through their problems. Instead they spent much of their time in passive conflict that would spill over into active open quarreling. Working the steps of Separation Management, the counselor help them set up the terms of their separation and better methods to deal with their children. The counselor felt that their anger at each other prevented productive open communication. During a more intimate conversation in the counselor's office, Jim shared that even though he had begun thinking about dating, he could not "get over Sara". Being away from her for almost a year had helped him appreciate her and the value of his family. But he struggled with not trusting that they could learn to really communicate with each other and feared that his wants would still go unheard.

Jim and Sara learned to use the skills of "time out" to stop conflicts before they became full blown battles. They also learned to "make up" more quickly after conflicts. Jim was surprised how Sara still really cared for him and began to listen. Rather then simply shouting out ultimatums, they learned to start to trust one another and create a safer place to talk about their beliefs, thoughts, feelings and dreams with each other. Jim and Sara have put a halt to their divorce proceedings and are starting to spend more time together after almost one and one half years of separation. (trial union) By learning to talk and listen and not just fight, they even realize they are not as far apart on values and lifestyle that they had assumed. The constant fighting had prevented them from knowing each other more deeply. They are learning to use their conflict so as to grow in their relationship, that both thought wasn't possible. Both partners have begun to take responsibility for their part of their problems and realize each must honor the "we" of their relationship and not just act as if they were living alone. This couple's level of satisfaction went up as they worked on creating a new relationship with each other. They now realize that what they really needed was to "divorce" themselves from a relationship pattern that was not working (psychological/therapeutic separation) rather than a legal divorce.

There are several examples of affairs in my book, Taking Space, in the 10 Step CDs, and "The Affair" DVD that addresses:

Managing the crisis after an affair has been discovered
What to do so you can recover if you are the wounded partner;
What steps are absolutely necessary for a positive healthy reconciliation.

There are volumes of information for fully committed couples on how to strengthen and enrich your relationship as well as information on how you can initiate and survive a divorce or breakup. However, there is little on how you can use space and separation in a POSITIVE PROACTIVE way when at least one of you is questioning your investment and commitment to your relationship. With the divorce rate somewhere between 40-50%, and the split up rate for unmarried couples about the same, and second marriages even higher, there is little information on what you can do when at least one of you is unhappy and questioning the future of your relationship. Taking Space and this 10 Step Problem- Solving Couples Home Study Course was designed to give you a way to work with your struggling relationship.

You may be asking:
"What is unique and different about Taking Space and this Course?"

In my counseling practice I often find one highly motivated partner "dragging" their very resistant and defensive partner to our first counseling session. Often the motivated partner very much wants the counselor to confront and talk the resistant partner into working on their relationship or giving the relationship another chance.

A common complaint that I hear from those left partners who wanted to work on their relationship before the break-up, was that they were not given a chance by a resistant partner that decided it was time to call it quits.

I have found that if a resistant partner is given some choices and realizes he has a way to get space, he is more likely to give the relationship another chance or at least take a look at what's not working.

One unique aspect of Taking Space is that I suggest you decide on a time period to learn about you and your relationship. After this time period there is a review period where you can decide if you want to end your relationship. This is a compromise between those of you wanting to reconcile your relationship now, versus those of you wanting to end it now.

Separation Management and the book, Taking Space acknowledges both partners' different levels of investment and commitment in their relationship. It does not force partners to work on their relationship nor does it encourage ending your relationship. It does allow you a way to use the space or separation to explore and discover what you want.

This course is about developing and strengthening you. From a more informed and stronger self you can make a better decision about whether your relationship is working for you. If by chance your relationship ends, you are left with a stronger more informed self! Understanding and taking responsibility for your part of your relationship occurs when you replace fear, anger, defensiveness and blame with knowledge and understanding. You, your relationship and family are too important to make a hasty decision about your future. There is too much at stake.

I have seen too many partners change their minds after thinking their relationship was over. They discovered new feelings of like, love and appreciation in their relationship when they thought there was no hope and their feelings would never change. When you have been angry and your needs and wants have not been met, your perception of yourself and your partner narrows and all you see is what is wrong.

Taking Space gives you a period of time to examine and learn more about this before you make a major life-altering decision.

I have found the experience during this crisis time to be an invaluable opportunity for learning, even for those choosing to move onto divorce or break-up. For those resistant partners who believe you really know what you want, ask yourself what would be the risk of sharing your reasons for your relationship not working for you and learning how it may have gotten that way. People tend to create similar patterns in their new relationships. So some knowledge about your role in your current relationship difficulties may not only support your decision to leave a relationship, but provide you new energy and options for new relationships.
For those who "don't want to talk about it", be honest with yourself and ask "what am I afraid of?" Ask yourself, "If I am at the brink of separating, breaking up or divorcing, what do I have to lose by learning more about how I got here?"
Talking about what has not been working in your relationship is not making a commitment to work on it, but provides you with an opportunity to learn about yourself while giving you valuable knowledge to bring to your next relationship.
By not talking some of you may think you are protecting your partner or letting them down easily, but most of the time you are only relieving your own guilt over what you think you want!

You may have read a book or heard a presentation and then felt stuck when you tried to apply what you have learned to a resistant partner. One partner often needs help with what to do when his or her partner won't listen or get involved with working on their relationship. I often hear - "What can I do if my partner won't discuss our relationship or refuses to get help?

If your partner is not interested or not cooperative, all is not lost! This 10 step problem solving guide was designed to be used by just one person to begin a change process starting with you! Many of the couples in my book, CDs and DVDs demonstrate how one partner alone can take action to move out of a stuck place in their relationship.

The 10 Steps of Separation Management are designed for those of you who are stuck or in crisis and are now deciding that you have been angry, depressed, and unhappy for too long. Separation Management is not about divorcing or breaking up. Rather it's about taking stock of yourself and your relationship no matter what condition it is in. It's about hitting the pause button before you delete your partner, or taking a break before you decide to break up. It's about learning, developing and getting the help to find your way.

Over the years individuals and couples have come to me feeling helpless and lost, believing they had no options for dealing with their unhappy situations. This Couples Home Study Course is the "road map" that provides you with choices, skills, options, and many examples that allow you to take charge when you decide that something has to change.

What you will get in the Couples Home Study Course

In this course, besides providing you with my 320 page book, Taking Space - How To Use Separation To Explore the Future of Your Relationship, I also provide you with 9 CDs over 6 hours of education, and a choice of one of my 3 DVDs as well as a 40 page workbook filled with questions, exercises and skills for you to start learning how you and you alone or with a partner can start to learn and work on yourself and/or relationship now! I also include a sample and blank Separation Agreement that helps guide and focus you on terms and goals of what will be worked on over a period of time.

The CDs, DVD and workbook will allow you to develop specific goals and strategies that you can apply right away. These educational materials look at common problems that couples face over time in their relationship in plain everyday down to earth language. In my book, you will have my 10 step problem solving guide along with 13 couple situations to show you what these individuals and couples did to deal with:

Affairs and affair recovery;
Fading romance;
Sexual complaints;
A shut-down substance addicted partner;
Demanding in-laws;
Overworked moms,
An overcritical controlling partner,
And other common couple situations.

In my CDs I elaborate in detail about the 10 Step Problem Solving Guide so you can work on your relationship no matter what shape it is in. You will get the wisdom and experience I have gained from working with hundreds of couples over the years both in my practice and workshops.

You may be asking – "What can a 10 Step Problem-Solving Guide can do for my struggling relationship, separation or affair recovery?"

"Every time we discuss money, we both start yelling and screaming at each other!"

"Whenever I try to bring up our lack of communication, he just shuts down and refuses to talk!"

"Whenever we start a discussion, I feel bullied by his anger and short temper!"

Subject Matter of the CDs

Many partners and couples that I have seen over the years are locked into a "cold war". In this pattern you are not talking about your problems but are internalizing a great deal of anger, hurt, sadness, and unhappy feelings as you avoid conflict for fear that it will destroy your relationship. However, the unspoken conflict and anger is already eating you up inside and creating distance and disconnection that will get even more difficult to repair as time goes on.

At the other end, are those of you who are engaged in endless battles of heated angry, defensive verbal wars, power struggles, with threats of breaking up and divorce. Again the ongoing stress of a hostile and conflict-filled environment is not only harmful for children but for you and your partner as well.

If one of you angers easily and the other is fearful, passive and avoidant, then the more passive partner will often feel bullied and abused during conflicts. These conflict patterns are discussed in my Relationship Conflict Scale -Step 1 of Taking Space. I outline these different patterns of conflict and discuss what you can do to break these stuck and repetitious circles in your relationship.

Step 1 CD - Managing Conflict - I will show you:

How to help yourself if you feel you are in a crisis right now **You can download immediately**
How to understand and manage conflict
Examples of couples in common conflict patterns
How to start using the Five Steps of anger management now

"We don't communicate" is the number one complaint I hear in my counseling practice.

In the Step 2 CD - Communication - You will learn:

Why communication is so important
Why how you talk is more important than what you are talking about.
How healthy communication can restart your relationship
How exchanging strokes with your partner can rekindle the closeness and love
Listening and talking skills that can be easily applied using my "ground rules" for talking
Hear examples of couples in stuck communication patterns
- Defensive partner
- "I can fix it for you!"
- "I know what's wrong with you!"
How to make up
The value of humor

In the Step 3 CD - Purpose of Separation and Change - Addresses:

reasons you and/or your partner are struggling or deciding on space or a separation
my unique "Relationship Investment-Commitment Scale" ©
common stages that couples go through

Here you can begin to assess your and your partner's investment and commitment to change and begin to understand why and how you got to this place. Without understanding what is not meeting your expectations, how do you know what to do or even whether you can get there. Relationship problems often teach you what you don't want in a relationship. It is even more important to know what you want so you can decide what to fix or learn what you want in your next relationship.

One type of relationship separation does not fit all!

In the Step 4 CD, I offer

Several different types of physical separations
Introduce you to psychological and therapeutic separations.

For example many partners create an in house separation, one of seven different types of separations, where you can reduce conflict, get some space and distance and eventually begin looking at why and how you are so stuck

Many struggling couples can't afford to separate or break up!

This type of separation is least costly, can often reduce conflict where no one leaves the home and you can both be there for your children.

Psychological and therapeutic separations allow you to begin to look at how you and your partner's beliefs, perceptions and behavior toward one another have been shaped by your experiences and what you can do about these. Learn about "psychological separation" and how you alone can start a change process for your relationship.

I would like to make one thing clear, I do not tell people to physically separate. Couples are usually emotionally and physically separated from each other when they come to me for help.

The Step 5 CD outlines:

Terms and ground rules of a separation.

Terms include: Type and length of separation; legal involvement; living arrangements; sharing and caring for children; dealing with finances; how partners will communicate and have contact; whether they will work on their relationship during a separated period; whether an affair will continue during this time, etc..

This is the most overlooked step when couples separate. Imagine a sporting event with out rules! The fights that occurred in the home can continue even when living apart and even after divorce, especially if there are children, unless there is some agreement and understanding on the terms.

The Step 6 CD deals with:

When, what and how to talk to your children about what is happening in your relationship

Your children are the most precious and important people in your lives. By learning what they need and how to reduce conflict, you will have already spared them the agony, stress and trauma of your relationship difficulties

The Step 7 CD focuses on:

Creating a plan to start your change
Planning for separation day if one of you is leaving the home.

Separation day can create strong feelings such as sadness, loss, rejection, abandonment, fear and anger. These feelings can fuel major conflicts when physical parting becomes a reality.

The first 7 steps of this Problem-Solving Guide help you create a structure to contain the enormous conflict and emotion that often go with relationship difficulties and crises, affairs and separations and spell out the necessary tasks that must be addressed at this time.

Step 8 is my favorite since it is here I ask you to take a closer look at you and your part in your relational patterns. Most people that come to couples counseling want to change their partners. Through the years I have found that those partners who take charge and focus on how to use themselves to create a change in their partner are often the most successful. I will show you how individuals in the couple's situations in my book and examples in CDs and DVDs have used working on themselves to start a change process. Many times this is with a resistant, non cooperating partner. Many have been successful in creating a better relationship. Step 8 teaches you self coping strategies and how to harness your inner power. Without a change in you there will be no change in your relationship.

The Step 8 CD addresses:

Developing Goals for You and Your Relationship
The four key factors that are found in healthy relationships

Examples of:

What must happen in an affair recovery
What Sara and Jim did about money problems and secret spending
Lynn's plea to her new partner, "Please be nice to my son!" A common blended family problem.

Through all of these educational materials I will show you step by step how to develop goals and begin working on them

In Steps 9 & 10 CD I show you a way to

Evaluate whether the changes you may have started are working
Determine what your decision options are.

The Ten Step CDs are accompanied by one DVD of your choice, "The Affair"; "Romance Lost"; "Shutdown Spouse" (view trailers of each - link to page) where I explain the steps, tools, skills, and talk about application through real - life couple situations.

The content of the three DVDs is as follows:

"The Affair" DVD
This video illustrates the journey of a couple that is propelled into a crisis when Sandy discovers Jeff is having an affair. You follow this separated couple (in counseling) as each one copes with the volume of hurt and anger that is generated by this experience. This video shows what couples must do after an affair and shows you the necessary steps to recovery. The video aims toward a decision as to whether they will remain a couple. (~90 minutes)

"Romance Lost" DVD
This video follows Randy and Jane from the first stage of their relationship, romance and fantasy, through the disillusionment/compromise stage and beyond. This is a high risk stage for couple's developing problems and breaking up. This couple's journey through a physical separation and counseling is an excellent demonstration of how they use skills to stop arguing, learn to make-up and start talking and listening once again so as to rebuild their relationship. It also shows the value of humor. This video shows the importance for all relationships making the transition from the romance stage to where both partner's wants and differences can thrive and be supported. (~90 minutes)

"Shutdown Spouse" DVD
In this video, Margie believes she desperately needs space to emotionally survive a relationship that offers her very little. Tim struggles with depression, low self-esteem and alcohol abuse. This is an excellent video that demonstrates how one person alone can break an impasse and take charge of a very stuck relationship. It also shows how the 10 steps of Separation Management can be applied to forming a structure so self work and development can occur. (~90 minutes)

My workbook is designed to follow the 10 Step Problem- Solving Guide. It will show you how to plan ways to create new coping strategies now to deal with anger and conflict, how to start listening to one another, and ways to gather information so you can create your own treatment plan for you and your relationship. The workbook is filled with the same questions, skills, exercises I use in my outpatient counseling practice to get you in touch with you and your partner. Please remember that Taking Space was designed to help you develop a stronger and more aware sense of your SELF. The workbook will guide you in setting goals and following the necessary steps to apply the information to your own life experiences

The Separation Agreement (sample form and blank) provides an outline that allows you to focus on terms and goals of what will be worked on and over what period of time.

This is often the most neglected aspect of a separation!!!

In this course you will get the benefit and wisdom that I have gained from couples sharing their stories with me.

In this Home Study Course I offer you the same psycho-educational information, techniques, exercises, and skills that I use in my outpatient therapy with hundreds of couples.

You can study it and apply it to your relationship right in the comfort, security, and privacy of your own home or listen to the CDs in your car or anywhere. You may have a much better chance of introducing ways on how to be a happier couple and prepare your partner to cooperate by listening to a CD and watching a DVD, than trying to force a resistant partner to go to counseling. This Home Study Course can be used alone as a self-help tool for individuals and couples as well as preparation for or in conjunction with counseling.

I have also included a 13 minute Relaxation-Meditation CD that has been quite popular in my outpatient counseling practice. This has been a very useful tool to learn ways to develop mindfulness so you can tune into and relax your physical and emotional reactions.

"Even though the human mind tends to think it knows all there is to know…we do not yet know what we have not yet experienced!" I have heard countless people say, "I wish I would have known that back then, perhaps I would have made a different decision."

The Benefit of Couples Education

Many times couples contact me for an appointment when they are in a crisis or real trouble. When couples begin counseling they often dive right into their conflicted and difficult situations. They often do not have the benefit of education first. They must rely on the counselor or therapist to teach them or learn this along the way while in counseling or therapy. Some counselors may be less directive and not put as much emphasis on education. Many times a basic educational framework for working together in counseling as a couple or even as an individual can be highly beneficial. After all it is your relationship and journey and you should have as much information as possible to guide you. As with physical ailments it is no longer the dark ages where the doctor gives you a pill and tells you little about your condition. I believe the more you know, the more power you will have to help yourself and take charge! Having educational materials to read, listen to and watch adds power and insight to your work on your SELF and your relationship. This alone can be used to build self help insight and skills, as a preparation for or while you are in counseling or therapy.

The Value and Cost of the Couples Home Study Course

If you know of any friends, family members or coworkers who are going through a separation or divorce then you know the costs in money, emotional and physical stress they have gone through or going through.

In a separation, the cost of running two households when it's hard to keep one going is enormous.
The retainer fees that divorce lawyers charge can run anywhere from about $3000 to $10,000 per person and this is just to start the process. A highly contested divorce can bankrupt you.
The wear and tear on you, your employment, and children, if you have any, cannot be measured in money costs.
Even if partners and couples decide they will end their relationship, an amicable or friendly, cooperative break will be much less stressful and costly on everyone.

Couples Home Study Course includes:

Book Taking Space - How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship (320 pages)		$14.95
8 CDs - Approximately 6 hours of educational instruction - value		$600.00
1 DVD - Approximately 90 minutes		$29.95
Relaxation- Meditation Exercise CD		$15.00
Couples Home Study Course Workbook with sample and blank Separation Agreements - (approx. 50 pages)		$40.00
Total Value =		$699.90

It is a general consensus among marriage counselors that relationship education is a major component of couples therapy and counseling. Most counselors and therapists charge any where from $80 an hour to over $200 per hour for couples therapy/counseling.

Your Cost = $195.00 + sales tax (Vermont residents only) -- FREE SHIPPING*

Individual CD's from Couples Home Study Course now sold separately
	Steps 1- 10 CDs	$20.00 per CD
	Couples Home Study Course Workbook	$35.00
	Separation Agreement (sample and blank)	$25.00

I also offer a 100% - 60 day money back guarantee if you are not satisfied with this course.
* For International Orders, you will be contacted re: shipping charges

P.S.
Although initially designed for individuals and couples struggling with investment and commitment, I have used and continue to use the 10 Step Problem Solving Guide and all of the skills, exercises and educational information with hundreds of invested and committed partners since they too need the skills and techniques to keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling especially during stressful times. As you have read, this Couples Course can also be a blueprint on how to separate for those who may have already chosen divorce. This home study course is about your self development as an individual. As you develop, your relationships will also develop. This problem solving course will allow you to decide whether to re-invest/commit; take more time to learn before you decide what to do; or call it quits. Ending a relationship is not just leaving a partner, but often a family and a entire way of life. Project yourself into the future and imagine what you would like to remember about how you dealt with perhaps the most challenging decision of your life. What do you want your children to know and remember? I challenge you to think and learn more before such a major life decision is made. Is a minimal investment in you, your relationship and family's future worth it?

-- Disclaimer --
**The couple situations used on this website are based on types of couples
and not any particular couple, any similarity is coincidental.**

Copyright © 2006 Separation management, LLC. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: This website is meant to be educationnal and not a substitute for psychotherapy or counsling

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